I had a dream that you were gone . . .

It’s all for you

A diary entry from January 2009:

I don’t know how I’ve been living this past month. I’ve been so miserable. I feel so wretched! This whole situation is horrible! And yet I know it’s all my fault. I’ve done this. If I had just deleted him that night, none of this would be happening! I wouldn’t have met him and life would be so much simpler and bearable. Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why can’t I get over him?! Gosh, it’s so frustrating! I absolutely hate feeling this way! God, please, I beg you, make it stop, make it hurt less. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Two years is enough, please! I can’t go on living my days feeling like this, I just can’t! And oh gosh, I bet he’s not missing me one tiny bit! I mean, he’s got a truckload of girls to concentrate on so why would he even both with me? And I hate how all I’ve got on my mind is him. No one else … ‘cause there’s no one else like him. I hate crying myself to sleep every single damned night. I do it for some guy who doesn’t even give a fuck in the world about me! Why? I don’t even know. If he did care, he’d fight for me wouldn’t he? WOULDN’T HE?! Well he hasn’t, not one bit.

But the way I feel about him … I think I can forgive him for anything. It hurts … so much … you don’t know how much it hurts. Sometimes I want to stop breathing …

Maybe what I feel for him isn’t love at all. Maybe I’ve just convinced myself that I’m in love when in fact, I’m only in love with the idea of being in love.

I don’t know, all I know is that I miss him terribly.

June 2009:

It’s for certain he’s dating someone. Her name’s Laura and she’s very pretty. I feel that this time, she’s The One for him. He hasn’t had any problems with her like the other girls and she seems to really like him. I want to stop feeling, if only for a moment. I hate the pain I’m feeling; it hurts so much. I can’t stop the pain, I can’t stop the tears, I can’t stop the feelings. I’m so naive! Why am I so naive?! I can’t believe I actually thought things would be better this time. Oh my gosh, and the way I raved about him to my friends! Ugh, I feel so humiliated! I’m so ashamed. Why can’t I get over him? Please, all I ask is for my getting over him … I feel absolutely wretched.

March 2012:

I try to make myself stop thinking about him but I can’t. He really is all I think about. On the outside, I’m all smiles and am happy, but on the inside, all I feel is sadness and wretchedness of not being with him, but more so of knowing he doesn’t love me back.I wish for a lot of things but the thing I wish for the most is for him to love me the same way I love him. This is all wishful thinking, I know. I feel unbelievably sad.

Put quite simply, I love him. However, love is never simple, is it? It’s not a simple thing for love to find its way between two individuals when one of them wants nothing to do with you. Quite frankly, I don’t even know why. We used to be friends, good friends, but now, we don’t even talk (except for the occasional hello). We’ve grown apart and I’ve accepted that. It absolutely hurts when he ignores me; it’s a soul-wrenching kind of hurt. But it’s okay, I will take it all and not let him know of my pain because he doesn’t deserve to bear the guilt. Although sometimes I wonder if he even cares. I tell myself that he probably does, but deep down I know he doesn’t. Why would he? He’s the handsomest, smartest and greatest man I’ve ever known and I’m just a little naive girl who knows nothing about what it is like to be loved. Seventeen, I was seventeen when I met him. I’m pretty sure I fell in love that very October night in 2006.

How is it that one person, one single lousy person, can make me feel these things I’ve never felt for anyone else? Gosh, I didn’t even ask to feel this way. Let me tell you, unrequited love definitely sucks. Some days, it may make you feel as if you’re flying, but most days, there’s no relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing you’ll never be together.

This may sound cliche, but he really is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind before I drift off to sleep. At least in my dreams we’re together …